I know that durning my journey I will leave you guys hanging alot and I will have to apologize now. I have been silent for a long time and held back alot of things for 37 years. The things I speak about in my life sometime I will have to switch on and off because it gets to me but I promise you will know everything and how I handle it all. I’m speaking out now because it’s time for me to help other and I’ve always wanted to but I was scared until someone finally inspired me to. Hopefully my stories will help someone out there.
As I said before I tried to say something but it did no good. I also didnt really have my father in my life although I was a daddy’s girl I could never tell him. He was in and out of my life but that is for another blog. When my mom told me it was a misunderstanding I thought to myself as a little girl how could this be. This is my great great grandfather and he is in the bed with me doing things that doesnt feel right.
Is this what is supposed to happen? Are these the things family members are supposed to do, who love you? All these questions ran through my head until oneday I just became numb to it all.
As I became a little older I was so use to it so when I went over there I expected it and it was almost like I wanted it. At this point I thought there was something wrong with me. How can this be? How come this feels good now? Why? I’m so confused! None of this made any sense to me. Two weeks at the beach here we go. My abuela has no idea and if she did she didnt say a word or help me but I loved her to death and I couldnt say anything to her because in my mind it would kill her. I couldnt be the reason she died….
I would come home like nothing happened, so I thought. The weekend comes around and now it time to go to my dads, come home and my mom said I use to be like doctor jekyll and mr hyde. She thought it always had to do with my dad so she took me to a therapist and of course that’s what I would talk about because I was told that if I ever said anything, I would get in trouble for lying and it would kill my abuela. So because I had so much anger with my dad and I was being abused all I could do was talk about my dad so I wouldn’t get in trouble for the other….
As I became old the abuse became worse and more physical. I seen things and learned things a child shouldnt have at a young age….. #RageBabie #mommarapper #Dreamsfaded #twoofme #myhelper #sexualabuse #survivor
To be continued……