It’s time to think different.

I have always thought that if I didn’t think about it, it would go away. It only goes away for a little while until something happens that reminds you of that trauma or that day that you tried to forget. I’m no longer going to do that, it does nothing but hold me back as well as it would anyone else. In the past couple of weeks a lot has happened and most with my illness would probably have not made it through and knowing that it has shown me that I can make it through anything with the mind set of wanting to. I know I am strong just like a lot of you out there are and if you just believed in yourself, just a little bit you will see how far you can go. Don’t ever doubt yourself or let anyone make you feel like you can’t do the things you want to do because you can do anything you put your mind to. For a long time I believed that I couldn’t do a lot of thing’s and I’m doing more now then I have in a long time. I’m proud of myself and that is a better feeling then having someone tell me they are proud of me because I can now smile at the world knowing I’m doing what someone said I would never be able to do. So I leave you with this, stand tall with your head high and tell yourself that you can and will do whatever it is you want to do because you can if you put your mind, heart, and soul into it.

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SCARS TELL STORIE’S.



OUR SCARS TELL STORY’S AND NOT ALL OF US ARE HERE TO TELL EVERYONE WHY
WE WANTED TO TAKE OUR OWN LIVES OR THINK ABOUT IT MORE THEN WE SHOULD.
YES THIS WILL OPEN SOME EYES AND HURT SOME BECAUSE I DO HAVE FRIENDS
ON HERE THAT KNOW ME PERSONALLY AND HAVE NO IDEA. THE REASON THEY
DON’T KNOW AS ANYONE IN THE FAMILY IS BECAUSE I DON’T CALL OUT WHEN IM
IN A DARK PLACE. SOMETIME’S IT ISN’T EASY TO CALL FOR HELP BEFORE YOU
HAVE ALREADY MADE THAT MISTAKE. THE TWO TIMES THAT I HAVE TRIED TO
COMMIT SUICIDE IT WAS BACK IN 2009. MY EX FINALLY CAME HOME AND ALL HE
SAW WAS BLOOD AND ME WITH ALOT OF ALCOHOL AROUND ME. HE CALLED MY MOM
AND MY MOM SAVED MY LIFE WHILE HE WAS SAYING HE DIDN’T LOVE ME. I HAD
NO IDEA WHAT WAS SAID BECAUSE I TOOK PILLS, DRANK, AND WAS BLEEDING
ALOT. AFTER THAT MY MOM TOOK ME HOME TO HER HOUSE AND I STARTED
GETTING MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER FOR IT TO FALL APART AGAIN IN 2010 WHEN
MY DAD COMMITTED SUICIDE AND TOOK HALF OF ME WITH HIM. I HAPPEN TO GET
TO HIM RIGHT WHEN HE PULLED THE TRIGGER. THE ONLY THING THAT GOT ME
THROUGH WAS LISTENING TO EMINEM, LINKIN PARK, AND MY MOM. I
DISAPPEARED FROM EVERYONE AND BECOME SOMEONE I DIDN’T KNOW BUT I
DIDN’T CARE. I DID SOME HOW FINISH COLLEGE THROUGH OUT ALL OF IT. 2018
I AGAIN TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE AND AS I WAS CUTTING SOMETHING MADE ME
PICK UP MY PHONE AND REACH OUT TO A TOTAL STRANGER WHO IS A GOOD
FRIEND THROUGH A GAME I PLAY ON MY PHONE AND HE TALKED ME OUT OF IT
AND MADE ME LAUGH. WHAT HURT THE MOST IS THAT I HAD PROMISED MY MOM I
WOULDN’T EVER DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL NOT LEAVE HER BEFORE SHE LEAVES
ME AND I BROKE IT. YES IM STILL HERE BUT I STILL BROKE THE PROMISE.
THERE’S ALOT THAT WILL TRIGGER IT AND I CAN’T HONESTLY TELL YOU WHY OR
WHAT IT IS BECAUSE IT COULD BE MANY THINGS AT THAT MOMENT. I HAVE
DECIDED THAT I WILL SPEAK OUT ABOUT MY ISSUES AND MY TRAUMA TO HELP
OTHERS, KNOW THAT THEY AREN’T ALONE AND THERE’S ALOT OF US OUT HERE
LIKE THEM. WE AREN’T ALONE AND WE CAN SURVIVE THIS! I DID HAVE HELP
PUSHING ME TO FREE MY VOICE AND SHE IS AN ANGEL HERSELF WHO IS A
SURVIVOR HERSELF. THANK YOU Jessica M Wilkes AKA MOMMA RAPPER

#SURVIVOR #FREEINGMYVOICE #HELPINGOTHERS #SPEAKINGUP #STRONGEREVERYDAY
#FIGHTER #RISEABOVE #RAGEBABIE




Rise Above

I will always rise above anything that comes my way. I will never fall and stay down. Yes I’m strong and the strong become weak at times but it only makes us stronger when we rise up again! We all have a story to tell and some of us have more to tell then others but that doesn’t mean your story is worse then mine or Visa versa. Your story might have impacted your life in ways that might have impacted mine differently, no one is the same. Everyone deals with things differently and sometimes they end up doing the wrong thing when things happen to them in life. Today we have a lot more things to go too for help as well as a lot more knowledge of stuff but it doesn’t mean that it will help. It’s up to you to go to those thing’s, reach out, or figure out what it is that will help you over come the demons that haunt you and bring you down to the point that you feel your life is pointless or you don’t want to succeed. I’m finally doing what I’ve always wanted to do and that’s speak out in the hope’s it will help others. I’ve wanted to do this since I was young but I was scared because of what my family would say, now I don’t care because it’s not about them, it’s about me and that one person I may help. Sometimes helping other’s, help you more then you know. When I came out about my grandfather abusing me, no one knew because back then it wasn’t really talked about and people really didn’t “know” much about it so if anything was said; A. You weren’t believed B. You were lying trying to get someone in trouble because you were upset about something or C. Someone actually did believe you and something was done. I finally told a counselor at school and they had to call the appropriate people to question me but before they got to me, my mom and grandma got to me first. They said if I say anything that it would kill my abuela and I couldn’t handle that, she was my world. My mom also said how could this happen with her there at all time’s and I have to be mistaking. So I lied like they asked me too so charges wouldn’t be brought and never stayed the night over there again but that only made it worse on me because I started thinking I made things up in my head. Along with that my dad was in and out of my life cause issues on top of it so my mind was all over the place. I was angry, sad, hateful, happy, and just felt like my emotions were everywhere. I would get so mad I wouldn’t remember why or what happened. Until today when I finally found a Dr. who listened to me and put me on the right combination of medication and me just coming out to all of you who have had some kind of trauma in your life, letting you know you’re not alone! It could be from trauma or just genetics its doesn’t matter there is always that one person who is out here willing to listen and understand what you’re going through. 💞

#imafighter #survivor #helpingothers #Freeingmyvoice #mentalillnessisnojoke #ragebabie

Mental Illness

Yes I look normal, happy, work, but in reality I fight mental illness every day. If you dont see me on social media or writing for awhile it’s because I’m having bad days and I need a break from social media/networking.. Guy/Girls it’s no joke sometimes we have to step back and do what’s best for us and take care of ourselves. People think that we can control it but honestly we cant without a combination of medicine and help. I write and tell my story to help myself and to help other. Helping others is my goal in life. 💞

2 FACES

The closer it gets to Christmas the harder it is. The emotions are all over the place. One face is happy and the other is confused.

Keep Going!

Yes I still smile, laugh, joke, as well as cry, fight, get angry and confused. Although we know things are wrong we tend to repeat what we are use to because that’s what we know. For example, you find an amazing guy/girl but yet you can ruin it because that’s not what you’re use to. You’re use to the monster who cuts you down or makes you believe stuff that’s not true. We as humans need to realize our own worth and love ourselves! I’ve learned that no one will take my smile away from me again or make me believe I’m nothing because the truth is, even with all my flaws I’m amazing. I never was the type to let other’s ruin my day because of how they felt about me or said. I’ve only let boys (yes boy’s because men know how to treat their lady) who I’ve been involved with make me feel less then what I’m worth. No one deserves to feel less then they are and no one has the right’s to make someone feel that way! If you’re with someone who makes you feel that way stand up for yourself because you are amazing and you don’t deserve to be treated as if you’re nothing. To someone else you will be their everything and that’s what you deserve! You learn how to keep going and fighting once you learn how to love yourself as well as respect yourself! It’s not easy to do when you have been abused for along time, have mental illness, or believe you are nothing but it can be done. If I can do it as well as other so can you. 
#imafighter #survivor #fightforwhatyouwant #Believe #Freeingmyvoice #helpingothers #ragebabie #Lettinggo 

Two different people same ending!

TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE SAME ENDING!!! I CANT CALL EITHER ONE OF YOU, SEE EITHER ONE OF YOU, HUG, JOKE, OR ANYTHING ELSE I WOULD LOVE TO DO WITH EITHER ONE OF YOU! ONE OF YOU IS MY DAD, THE OTHER A CLOSE FRIEND! YOU BOTH TOOK YOURSELVES AWAY FROM ME AND OTHERS.. DAD I THOUGHT YOU LOVED US ENOUGH TO LIVE BUT A BLACK WIDOW WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU! I COULDN’T CONVINCE YOU THAT I NEEDED YOU MORE THEN ANYTHING AND STILL DO! SHON YOU WERE ALWAYS LAUGHING, JOKING, HAPPY, FULL OF LIFE, AND ALWAYS THERE FOR EVERYONE. WHEN I HEARD THE NEWS I WAS SHOCKED! I WOULD HAVE NEVER THOUGHT BUT NOW LOOKING BACK I SEE ALOT THAT I DIDN’T BEFORE. SOME TIMES IT’S HARD TO SEE WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR OWN DEMONS. IM ANGRY, HURT, LOST, SAD, AND SO MUCH MORE ITS HARD TO EXPLAIN EXACTLY HOW I FEEL. HOLIDAYS ARE HERE AND NO ONE CAN SHARE IT WITH EITHER OF YOU OR CALL TO WISH YOU ANYTHING! THIS IS WHY I SPEAK ABOUT MY LIFE BECAUSE IVE LIVED THIS ALONG WITH OTHER SHIT THAT HASNT BEEN GOOD. IF MY SPEAKING OUT HELPS SOMEONE GET HELP OR JUST TALK SO THEY FEEL BETTER THEN I FEEL I AM SUCCESSFUL IN WHAT IM TRYING TO DO… I WONT LIE EVEN WITH ME SAYING THIS AND GOING THROUGH ALL THIS BECAUSE OF MY MENTAL ILLNESS I STILL REACH OUT FOR HELP MYSELF BECAUSE NONE OF THIS COMES TO MIND WHEN IM IN A DARK PLACE….. #FREEINGMYVOICE #HELPINGOTHERS #SURVIVOR #FIGHTER #RAGEBABIE

IM THE WINNER…..

Letting go isn’t something that happens over night. A lot of us have to let go slowly, speak out, forget, write songs, or blog about it letting the world know, so others know they aren’t alone. People are always telling others that they need to let go as if there’s a switch to push and it will all just go away. It takes time, will power, strength, and support.
I found my strength in someone who supports me in ways they don’t know. With that being said I’m not saying that they give me all the strength I need to speak out about what happen to myself. Letting someone else know that they aren’t alone makes it easier to open up, speak out, ask for help or whatever they want to do to let it out, so they can move on in life and if letting others know what I’ve been through helps them let it out then that gives me more strength to do what I’m doing.
I’ve held so much in for years and when I tell someone about it, their shocked because they don’t know what to say or how to act. Don’t act differently and just be there for them. Let them vent, scream, cry, ramble or sit in silence with you just holding them letting them know you are there for them. When I tell my story I don’t want anyone feeling bad for me because it’s made me who I am today. I’m a strong independent woman who knows now that if I made it out of all that bullshit, I can make it through anything I set my mind to and fight for! I like to win and this is me winning and all my demons losing!
#imafighter #survivor #belive #Freeingmyvoice #imawinner #ragebabie

Daddy’s Little Girl….

I’m just a girl

Who wants his love

Who wants him in her life,

But who am I kidding, Im just a little girl who crys at night

Wishing she was alive in his life….

She’ll never be daddy’s little girl

Shell never have his love nor will he ever see her alive in his eyes

When he looks at her, he looks with strangers eyes

The love in his heart for her is so cold

I’m just a little girl in a man’s life….

By: Christie R

Dear Self….

I would like to let everyone know that although my past was hard, I live today loving myself, happy, smiling, and much more. It took me awhile to figure this out and as you read my blogs you will see the ups and downs. Do I have bad days still? Hell yea! I have mental illnesses and even though it hard to live with it, I STILL FIGHT AND STAY STRONG…. Everything I have gone through has made me stronger! I am here to stand beside anyone and fight with you!

#Imafighter #Strongerthenever #survivor #happiness #lovinglife #ragebabie #Freeingmyvoice #helpingothers